Annoying Shit People Say To New Moms (Me.)

Can you even remember life with out a baby? Why yes I can actually. I love her, but I vividly remember the days of going to the store at the drop of a hat and not having to pack two bottles, a pouch of food, puffs and toys. I do remember the days of being hung over and being able to sleep on the couch all f-ing day long. I do remember being able to shower or write or draw whenever I wanted to and not have to wait till she napped. I do remember being able to use my phone without her screaming at me to give it to her. I love my baby, but yes I can remember life without a baby so that is a dumb question.

You can’t even remember the pain now, can you? It has been a year and a half and yes I can still remember the pain. I remember it quite well. It was worth it, but I still remember the agonizing contractions, the needles going into my body, the headache from the spinal fluid leak. I remember enough that I dread doing it again. I do remember… so that is another dumb question.

She looks just like her dad.. Oh, does she? That’s just what a mom that has carried a baby for 38weeks and gone through hours and hours of pain and weeks and weeks of being pregnant wants to hear. I love my husband more than anyone in the entire world, but I literally cringe every time someone says, “Now, I just see Travis” or “She looks just like her dad.” Well she is a girl, so I hope not just like her dad…who is a full man, not Bruce Jenner, and there are parts of me in her so stop being an asshole.
Do you breastfeed? It is really bizarre to me how everyone ask me this… not just women, but men ask me too. It’s just seems weird to me that people so openly talk about something sucking on my breast. What if I was one of those women that can’t breastfeed and then bawl like their baby every time someone brings up breastfeeding. Shit could get really awkward. It seems like a pretty controversial subject right now, like religion or politics and while I love to talk about both of those subjects in detail, I don’t want to talk about my boobs… unless you are telling me how good they look.
When are you going to have more kids? I was legit getting this question 2 months after having Bradley. I was thinking, ‘Fool, I just had a baby and I’m still sleep deprived and hating almost everything…including you so get out of my face.’ The answer is ‘No, I’m not thinking about having more kids at this time.’  I am at the weird point in life where I don’t want to be having kids after the age 31 and I don’t want Bradley to be more than two years older than her sibling, but I do not want to get pregnant now. The clock is ticking though. I hate that f-ing clock.
“Breastfeeding is so much healthier for your little one.” Thanks, but I never asked you and that is subjective. I’m disgusted by the amount of women that think I give a shit about their feelings on breastfeeding. The way I look at it is if I’m happy and feeling good then I can be a better mother. So really for us bottle feeding is healthier, because I am happier doing that and happy Mom means better mom. Bradley has had one cold and that was at 11 months old. She is happy, healthy, bottle fed baby.
“Just wait till your next one.” Possibly the most annoying statement I have ever heard. Bradley is an excellent baby. We could not have asked for a happier, more outgoing, good sleeping baby. Everyone that knows us as a family knows how easy Bradley is to parent, and when they find out how easy she is they usually will say at some point, “Just wait till your next one.” Why would anyone ever say that to a woman who is heavily contemplating whether or not to have another baby. I don’t need any discouragement because there is a good chance I would cut making babies off at one child. Also, every baby is different, but that absolutely does not mean my next baby is going to be the spawn of satan like everyone suggest. Maybe Travis and I are just very relaxed and happy around our child and she can sense that so she is happier.

Actual Life at 30 vs. How I Imagined My Life Would Be at 30

When I was 20 I had this whole idea on how my life would play out. Marriage, babies, real job at a news station… stuff like that. I was under the impression by 25 or 26 and definitely by the rip old age of 30 I would feel like a mature adult.  Well, like most things in life, it just doesn’t go like you planned.

1. Marriage- At 20: I thought I needed to be married by 25. You go to college, meet someone, get married and have kids.  Being from a small farm town getting married young was just the way I thought it went. Well, I didn’t meet my prince charming at college and definitely didn’t meet prince charming back in my small hometown. At 25: I realized it absolutely does not matter what age you get married as long as you’re loving life. So I moved to the city and realized how fun and amazing life could be without being married. After a few years and tons of fun later  when I wasn’t looking I met my perfect man and life changed for the better. At 30: I’m married and at a great place in life.  I’m so thankful I never settled for anything less than the best.

2. Babies- At 20: I thought for sure I wanted 3 kids and wanted to have them by 28. Come to find out you don’t have to have babies by 25! My future husband and I were having so much fun traveling, chilling, and doing our own thing that I thanked my lucky stars every time I got my img_7514period.   At 25: I realized I was not ready to have the responsibility that a child took. Waiting to have a baby was perfect. We got to see so many places and have so many adventures that we never could have had with a baby. Getting drunk at the Hard Rock in Venice, over indulging till 3am in Rome with long-lost friends, tapas in Barcelona at all hours of the night  just couldn’t happen if we would have had a baby. At 30: Our baby is an amazing blessing, but now I’m thinking maybe only two kids. We have a different kind of fun now. A kind of fun that consist of being at our house by 9pm so Bradley can sleep and we can finally just chill.

3. A Real Job- Go figure…I’m a stat… one more person that went to college for A LOT of money, graduated, and doesn’t work in that field. At 20: I thought broadcast journalism was going to get me rich and on TV. hahaha… Blogging is as close to journalism as I’ve gotten. I did work for a bit at a new station and didn’t make enough to support myself so I decided it wasn’t my thing. At 25: I was still trying to figure out what I wanted to do in life. So I went back to school and spent a lot more money. (dumb) At 30: I blog. I am starting a home decor business. I create art.  I finally realized I should turn my passion into a career. I’m lucky enough to not have to rely on a paycheck so I can spend my time starting a business and taking care of Bradley.

4. I Blog- At 20: Never did I ever think I would be a blogger… one of those people who think what they have to say is soooo important that they randomly write it all down for people to absorb. At 25: I thought blogging was for self-important douchers, (and maybe it is).  At 30: I’m blogging. In fact, I have two different blogs. I blog a lot. One is for annoying mom stuff and the other is for interior design and creating stuff. (www.pearlaine.net)

5. Being a Stay-At-Home Mom- At 20: I never thought I would be a stay-at-home mom. I have always been a hard worker, wanted to make a lot of moneyimg_7602 and be successful. Now I’m not saying being a stay-at-home mom is not hard work, because it is. It’s not watching tv all day and chilling, it’s constant and not relaxing. When she naps I clean, do laundry and try to get some stories and creative stuff done. There is no relaxing.   At 30: I’m a stay-at-home mom trying to start a career from Germany. Stay-at-home moms work a lot, they just don’t get paid in money… and I like getting paid in money. When I refinish a piece of furniture or paint a really awesome picture or find the perfect throw pillows for my store I get this excitement that I can not explain. It’s this amazing sense of accomplishment and I LOVE that feeling. I NEED that feeling. At this point in life, being an expat, I am not in the position to go to a job everyday, but eventually I will. I love raising my daughter and know I do a better job than a babysitter, but I love that feeling of making money too. So maybe At 35: I will be a money-making machine and Bradley will be at school.

6. Living in GermanyAt 20: ummmm…. No. I never had any desire to live abroad because I love America. At 30: ummmm. Yes. I still limg_7118ove America, but wouldn’t change the experience of living in Germany and Sweden for anything. Living abroad really opened my eyes to so many different ways of life. Some I like and some I hate. Seeing and doing everything foreign countries have to offer will help me in every part of my life.

What The F**k Moments

It’s just past ten in the morning and already we’ve had a few of those “What The Fuck?!” moments. These moments are usually a daily occurrence and have been happening more and more the older my daughter gets. I know most of them are half my fault, but it doesn’t mean I’m not like, “What. the. fuck.?” when they happen.

Today it started at breakfast. My daughter loves to feed our dog and this morning when she was done with her toast she tossed it over the side of her high chair and I later see Jax (our dog) licking away at it. Whatever… I’ve given up on Jax not getting table scraps. About ten minutes later my husband gets Bradley (our daughter) out of her high chair while I’m doing dishes and when I turn around Bradley is chomping away at Jax’s piece of toast. Gross. She swallows it. WTF?!

About 9:30am I’m cleaning out the cabinets and empty the broken, bottom of the bag crackers into one of Bradley’s baby bowls. She wants to eat them so she sits down on the floor and is being adorable while she crunches away at them. As soon as I turn away she dumps them everywhere and is swinging her arm back and forth spreading them all over the floor.WTF?! Why?

So I have to vacuum, but apparently the vacuum is so much fun when I have it in my hand that Bradley wants it in her hand, too. WTF? Why is it only fun when I have it? So we vacuum the floor together and 25 minutes later it’s semi-clean.

Other major WTF?! moments that haven’t happened today, but have in the past…

  1. That time I put Bradley down for a nap in just her diaper because it was so hot  (huge mistake that will never be repeated) and when I got her a couple hours later she was playing in her own poop. She had it smeared everywhere and was having a jolly ol’ time playing in it. WTF?
  2. The times when she wants to walk in the street (with traffic) and I don’t let her so she throws a fit the size of Texas because walking with traffic must be so much more fun than walking on the sidewalk. WTF?!
  3. When she really, really needs a drink of water and I get her baby cup out and cut a straw to baby size. (She refuses to drink out of a sippy cup.) I hold the baby cup, but she won’t take a drink unless she is holding it. WTF? So I let her hold it and she does great… until I turn around (I have too much to do during the day to just sit and watch her drink water) within a few minutes she spills it everywhere and plays in it. WTF?!
  4. When she is eating food and wants to shove as much of it in as her little mouth can hold. Why? WTF?
  5. When she picks up her toy basket and dumps it everywhere and then walks away. WTF?

After I get over the initial shock of these moments I can realize a couple of things… If she made a mess it’s not the end of the world… When she wants to do things on her own she’s being independent (which is one of my goals with raising my daughter)…  She is curious and wants to figure out what stuff is and how it works, which is a good sign for the future.

The picture below ∨ is the perfect example of a “What the fuck?” moment. (By some miracle I had my phone out when I walked into the room and was able to snap a quick pic before I started gagging and took her to the tub.)

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Tramps and Wet Pants

This week’s adventure was to Jump House in Cologne. This place was awesome. Tramps (aka Trampolines) and padding everywhere. Obstacle courses, basketball hoops, dodgeball. This place was my pre-baby dream! Shit, it was my post-baby dream… I thought.

We get to this amazing place and in my excitement I hand the baby to my husband, take a few jumps and do a back tuck. (Just cause I can.) I land and in an instant I realize why when I was younger all the adult women that would jump on our trampoline would grab their crotch and say, “Oops! I peed a little!” and then cackle and laugh at each other. (You would have thought their was a pack of hyenas on our trampoline with the barks of laughter I was hearing. I didn’t have the same reaction while jumping post-baby.)

My body looks and for the most part feels exactly the same way as it did before having a kid so I was not expecting the bladder control issues.

I wasn’t going to let it stop me from having an awesome time, but I sure wasn’t taking the huge jumps like I was 12 again…

So ya, that f-ing sucked.

Easy, Affordable Christmas Gift In a Few Easy Steps

FEW EASY STEPS TO FABULOUS!!!

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The holiday season is upon us and that means more than just parties, good food, and festive activities. There’s also the stress of finding the perfect gifts and not breaking the bank.

What better way to show someone how much you care, while saving some money, than making a homemade gift! Easy enough for a kid to make, but stylish enough for any fashionista.

Continue reading Easy, Affordable Christmas Gift In a Few Easy Steps

No Tree Christmas Tree

For as long as my husband is playing hockey it is pretty much a guarantee that we will be moving from one apartment to another. Whether we are moving cities or we out grow our apartment the less crap we have to move the better. A fake Christmas Tree is one of those things we just don’t need and I hate the mess of a real Christmas Tree. So what’s a girl to do?  I sat down for a few minutes and thought, “What would Macgyver do?” (You’d be surprised how many times a week I ask myself ‘WWMD?’.)

Obviously, the answer is make one out of yarn and twinkle lights.

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In an hour you can have a no mess, no watering, spread some holiday cheer Christmas Tree!

SUPPLIES

  • Yarn
  • Twinkle Lights
  • Small Nails
  • Small Ornaments

HOW TO

  1. Measure or eye the outline of a Christmas Tree.
  2. Starting at the top hammer nails in the outline of a Christmas Tree.
  3. Then start back at the top and tie the yarn onto the nail.
  4. Outline the Christmas Tree with yarn. When you reach a nail do a loop around the nail before continuing to the next one.
  5. Cut small pieces of yarn and tie them onto the outline where you see fit. As many or as few as you’d like.
  6. Then take the twinkle lights and follow the yarn. When the outline with the twinkle lights is complete start the outline again, but this time run the string across the middle of the tree.
  7. Hang small ornaments and let the tree illuminate your space with warm, cheery vibes.

Final step

Take some fun holiday pictures in front of your awesome new tree!

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Head over to Pear Laine for more DIY activities.

DIY Christmas Ornaments

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Having kids is exhausting and by the end of the day you may need a large glass of wine. No judgement here if that one large glass turns into two large glasses.

And what’s better than drinking wine? Knowing that the more you drink the more wine corks you’ll have to make Christmas Ornaments with!  While many would look at the wine cork as trash you can look at it and see sparkly decorations.

This DIY ornament is a great way to spend a cold winter afternoon with the family. Besides being a fun family activity you are also teaching your kids the importance of upcycling and reusing rather than throwing everything in the garbage.

Continue reading DIY Christmas Ornaments