Annoying Shit People Say To New Moms (Me.)

Can you even remember life with out a baby? Why yes I can actually. I love her, but I vividly remember the days of going to the store at the drop of a hat and not having to pack two bottles, a pouch of food, puffs and toys. I do remember the days of being hung over and being able to sleep on the couch all f-ing day long. I do remember being able to shower or write or draw whenever I wanted to and not have to wait till she napped. I do remember being able to use my phone without her screaming at me to give it to her. I love my baby, but yes I can remember life without a baby so that is a dumb question.

You can’t even remember the pain now, can you? It has been a year and a half and yes I can still remember the pain. I remember it quite well. It was worth it, but I still remember the agonizing contractions, the needles going into my body, the headache from the spinal fluid leak. I remember enough that I dread doing it again. I do remember… so that is another dumb question.

She looks just like her dad.. Oh, does she? That’s just what a mom that has carried a baby for 38weeks and gone through hours and hours of pain and weeks and weeks of being pregnant wants to hear. I love my husband more than anyone in the entire world, but I literally cringe every time someone says, “Now, I just see Travis” or “She looks just like her dad.” Well she is a girl, so I hope not just like her dad…who is a full man, not Bruce Jenner, and there are parts of me in her so stop being an asshole.
Do you breastfeed? It is really bizarre to me how everyone ask me this… not just women, but men ask me too. It’s just seems weird to me that people so openly talk about something sucking on my breast. What if I was one of those women that can’t breastfeed and then bawl like their baby every time someone brings up breastfeeding. Shit could get really awkward. It seems like a pretty controversial subject right now, like religion or politics and while I love to talk about both of those subjects in detail, I don’t want to talk about my boobs… unless you are telling me how good they look.
When are you going to have more kids? I was legit getting this question 2 months after having Bradley. I was thinking, ‘Fool, I just had a baby and I’m still sleep deprived and hating almost everything…including you so get out of my face.’ The answer is ‘No, I’m not thinking about having more kids at this time.’  I am at the weird point in life where I don’t want to be having kids after the age 31 and I don’t want Bradley to be more than two years older than her sibling, but I do not want to get pregnant now. The clock is ticking though. I hate that f-ing clock.
“Breastfeeding is so much healthier for your little one.” Thanks, but I never asked you and that is subjective. I’m disgusted by the amount of women that think I give a shit about their feelings on breastfeeding. The way I look at it is if I’m happy and feeling good then I can be a better mother. So really for us bottle feeding is healthier, because I am happier doing that and happy Mom means better mom. Bradley has had one cold and that was at 11 months old. She is happy, healthy, bottle fed baby.
“Just wait till your next one.” Possibly the most annoying statement I have ever heard. Bradley is an excellent baby. We could not have asked for a happier, more outgoing, good sleeping baby. Everyone that knows us as a family knows how easy Bradley is to parent, and when they find out how easy she is they usually will say at some point, “Just wait till your next one.” Why would anyone ever say that to a woman who is heavily contemplating whether or not to have another baby. I don’t need any discouragement because there is a good chance I would cut making babies off at one child. Also, every baby is different, but that absolutely does not mean my next baby is going to be the spawn of satan like everyone suggest. Maybe Travis and I are just very relaxed and happy around our child and she can sense that so she is happier.

Epidural? Epiduhhh? Of Course!

How Do You Plan On Giving Birth?

It’s a weird question…  I had an abnormal amount of  people ask me how I wanted to give birth. I could have gotten real graphic and made things awkward, but I would just answer, “C-section”. You should have seen the disgust and worry on people’s faces. The face would twist with this strong desire to tell me why I didn’t want one. So before anyone could tell me how terrible they were I would  go on to say,  “My doctor won’t let me schedule one, so I guess the only other option is to epidural and push it out the hard way.” The most noteworthy reactions come from those natural birth women. Always telling me I should consider natural birth and natural alternatives. (HA.)Telling me my body was made for birthing children (HA.)and then go on to tell me their story. Throughout the entire story I’m thinking… this woman is out of her mind! Having a natural birth is completely admirable and after having contractions for four hours  (at just three centimeters) and wanting to die while begging the nurses for an epidural… I have even more respect for anyone that voluntarily goes through that amount of pain.

German Baby Doctor vs. American Baby Doctor

When I first went to my German Baby Doctor he said, “If your baby doesn’t abort itself, then how would you like to give birth?” (Yes, he used the term ‘abort itself’ a lot.) I said, “C-section” and he was totally okay with it. So I assumed when I got back to the states my American Baby Doctor would be cool with a scheduled C-section… He wasn’t. For me, personally, why wouldn’t I want to go in at a scheduled time, not have to go through contractions, and come out with a baby? (I know there is way more to it then that… I’m not stupid or uneducated.. I did all the research, knew all the risk and read all the stories.) I’ve never been one that needed to experience childbirth. With the C-section out of the question, I knew an epidural was the next best option.

No amount of negative research could have changed my mind about getting an epidural. (Being an educated woman I know research can be skewed any direction the researcher wants it to be. Women need to make their own educated decisions.)  It may be a recent development in the history of child-birth, but if it’s available why the hell wouldn’t you?  Women dying in child-birth back in the day probably wouldn’t have turned down the help of science because “there body was made for giving birth”.

Natural Birth Women

I remember on my baby moon there was a couple of women that swore by natural birth because it was so rewarding and worth the pain. (I knew having a baby in any manner would be rewarding.) They talked about a process called The Bradley Method. I only remember it because it was my daughter’s soon-to-be name. I like to know fun facts for rainy days so I checked it out. What it does is teaches natural childbirth and views birth as a natural process.

“It is our belief that most women with proper education, preparation, and the help of a loving and supportive coach can be taught to give birth naturally.”

Taught? If giving birth was natural to a woman why would we need to be taught how to do it? Women giving birth naturally are doing it because they think it is best for their little one and that is completely admiral and pretty amazing, but besides being amazingly tough women they are also, clearly, gluttons for punishment.

The Option to use Science

Motherhood is amazing and rewarding and all that… giving birth was painful, hard and exhausting. Turning down my option to use science to make the process easier by purposely skipping the epidural to have a natural birth wasn’t one of the amazing and rewarding experiences I was going to go through. I can’t imagine feeling excruciating pain would make it more rewarding than it was, but it would make it more miserable. Maybe my body just wasn’t made for natural birth.
Side Note: The Headache
I did have an epidural headache after giving birth. It sucked.  When the Anesthesiologist came in to ask me if I had a headache I was in denial because I didn’t want to be stuck with anymore needles so I said, “No”. That was a mistake. While the headache was nowhere near the pain of contractions, it was debilitating for a few days.  I’ll still opt for the epidural for any future pregnancy, but next time I will get the spinal patch the next day and save myself from a few days of pain, a trip back to the hospital, and a $250 ER bill.

The Shit They Don’t Tell You About Being A Mom

Shit They Don’t Tell You
  • Being pregnant sucks, you can hate it and that’s okay. Online you see one Instagram photo after another of baby bumps and women captioning them with an inspirational quote or something about what a miracle it is or how amazing this process is. Don’t get me wrong it is a miracle, the way a body can make a human is an absolute miracle, but it doesn’t mean you have to enjoy it. NOT EVERYONE DOES and you don’t have to feel bad for not enjoying it.
    • The changes in your body suck. Your nipples get huge and gross looking. The veins on your boobs look like the freaking map of Narnia. My thighs started touching together when I walked, so I was constantly pulling my shorts or pants from my crotch. My boobs were the size of honeydew melons (Gross). I was sooooo tired. Not all women get the complete exhaustion I experienced, but I was miserable tired (especially the first trimester.) I got almost nothing done in 40 weeks (expect for making a baby) I became a huge crybaby/crazy/emotional wreck. My skin was sensitive and itchy. My hair hurt to brush because apparently I was all of the sudden tender headed.
  • The absolute WORST part about all the body changes was my sex drive was ZERO. Contrary from what my husband thought and popular belief not all women are horn dogs when they are pregnant. The few times we did have sex it was because I felt so bad for my husband. I mean, if he was telling me ‘No’ all the time I’d be freaking losing it. Sex is one of the best things about a relationship so you can imagine I was miserable. Luckily, I have the most amazing husband who was always very understanding, supportive, loving and never made me feel bad about not wanting to do it.
  • This one was a really hard one for me and for the first month of her life I felt absolutely horrible, but sometimes you don’t immediately fall deeply, madly, my world just stopped, head over heels in love with your child. Now that I am head over heels, deeply, madly, I legit could eat you in love with her I realize that it was okay to feel the way I did. However, I have to admit I was mildly horrified I didn’t have the feelings that so many moms say they have… those, ‘the second I knew I was pregnant my world seemed complete’ or ‘the second I had you everything else didn’t matter’ feelings.  Ya… I didn’t get those feelings. I am jealous of the women who do, but after pushing for 3 hours and being in labor for 21 all I wanted to do was sleep. The next five days were a complete blur. A stressful, surreal blur due to the epidural headache and the muscle relaxers I was on. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without my husband.
  • You can never really comprehend what going without a full nights sleep for two months in a row can really do to you. You can’t explain it to someone who hasn’t had a kid and they can’t even imagine what its like. I felt like a zombie. A mad, sad, delusional zombie. (No, it wasn’t postpartum it was strictly lack of sleep. I can be a real crazy when I am tired) My husband had to leave for training camp five days after Bradley was born so it was all me getting up every two to three hours a night. I wasn’t looking at my new-born as a little bundle of joy. (All she did was eat and sleep) I was looking at her as the child that requires all of my energy and is completely draining the life out of me. Once she started sleeping 7 hours a night at about two and a half months old everything changed. I was back to being my normal, mostly good mood self and could really enjoy the new life I brought into the world. (Thank God and special shout out for my mom who would take her one or two nights a week and let me sleep for a good 12 hours and my dad who would watch her while I napped or got errands done.) It really is crazy how your priorities and wants in life change once you have a baby. Sleep is 20x more important and wanted than going out for a night on the town.
  • Breastfeeding sucks. I hated it. I did it for a few days and then quit. It made me feel like an animal… like a cow at the local 4H show. So many people look at me like I’m a freaking crazy person when I say I think breastfeeding is gross. And I get a lot of people who get weirdly offended when I say I don’t like it. (Like why the fuck would anyone get offended because I don’t like breastfeeding?) Do all moms clean their nipples before they let their little one suck away? My boobs sweat, a lot. So that could be unsanitary. It’s okay if you don’t want to breastfeed and don’t like it. YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO IT! No matter what the doctors, nurses or mom shamers say. I can’t even get started on this “free the nipple” shit I’m seeing everywhere or the people who get mad at me because I don’t want to see boobs flopped out in public… It’s weird… You don’t see dicks flopped out with the heads covered like it is okay. You wanna breastfeed? Go for it! I’m not gonna get mad at you for doing it, so don’t get snippy with me for not doing. It’s a personal choice… It’s cheaper to breastfeed so that’s great. (I’ll get to breastfeeding in another post. There is just too much to talk about) 
    • Side note: Do your research on formula. Doctors never tell you about what is good in formula and what isn’t, doctors don’t inform you on anything about bottle feeding which is bullshit. I didn’t even realize I was suppose to boil the water before feeding it to her. No one told me and I was clueless about all things baby. I had to do hours of research about getting the best formula. America doesn’t have much to choose from, but Europe is stocked with healthy, good for your baby formula. (Stay tuned for more info in another blog)
I want to make it clear that Bradley is the most amazing little girl. Half the day I wander around amazed that I could make the cutest little girl in the world. She is a complete blessing and coolest thing I have ever made…. and I make a lot of cool stuff.