Annoying Shit People Say To New Moms (Me.)

Can you even remember life with out a baby? Why yes I can actually. I love her, but I vividly remember the days of going to the store at the drop of a hat and not having to pack two bottles, a pouch of food, puffs and toys. I do remember the days of being hung over and being able to sleep on the couch all f-ing day long. I do remember being able to shower or write or draw whenever I wanted to and not have to wait till she napped. I do remember being able to use my phone without her screaming at me to give it to her. I love my baby, but yes I can remember life without a baby so that is a dumb question.

You can’t even remember the pain now, can you? It has been a year and a half and yes I can still remember the pain. I remember it quite well. It was worth it, but I still remember the agonizing contractions, the needles going into my body, the headache from the spinal fluid leak. I remember enough that I dread doing it again. I do remember… so that is another dumb question.

She looks just like her dad.. Oh, does she? That’s just what a mom that has carried a baby for 38weeks and gone through hours and hours of pain and weeks and weeks of being pregnant wants to hear. I love my husband more than anyone in the entire world, but I literally cringe every time someone says, “Now, I just see Travis” or “She looks just like her dad.” Well she is a girl, so I hope not just like her dad…who is a full man, not Bruce Jenner, and there are parts of me in her so stop being an asshole.
Do you breastfeed? It is really bizarre to me how everyone ask me this… not just women, but men ask me too. It’s just seems weird to me that people so openly talk about something sucking on my breast. What if I was one of those women that can’t breastfeed and then bawl like their baby every time someone brings up breastfeeding. Shit could get really awkward. It seems like a pretty controversial subject right now, like religion or politics and while I love to talk about both of those subjects in detail, I don’t want to talk about my boobs… unless you are telling me how good they look.
When are you going to have more kids? I was legit getting this question 2 months after having Bradley. I was thinking, ‘Fool, I just had a baby and I’m still sleep deprived and hating almost everything…including you so get out of my face.’ The answer is ‘No, I’m not thinking about having more kids at this time.’  I am at the weird point in life where I don’t want to be having kids after the age 31 and I don’t want Bradley to be more than two years older than her sibling, but I do not want to get pregnant now. The clock is ticking though. I hate that f-ing clock.
“Breastfeeding is so much healthier for your little one.” Thanks, but I never asked you and that is subjective. I’m disgusted by the amount of women that think I give a shit about their feelings on breastfeeding. The way I look at it is if I’m happy and feeling good then I can be a better mother. So really for us bottle feeding is healthier, because I am happier doing that and happy Mom means better mom. Bradley has had one cold and that was at 11 months old. She is happy, healthy, bottle fed baby.
“Just wait till your next one.” Possibly the most annoying statement I have ever heard. Bradley is an excellent baby. We could not have asked for a happier, more outgoing, good sleeping baby. Everyone that knows us as a family knows how easy Bradley is to parent, and when they find out how easy she is they usually will say at some point, “Just wait till your next one.” Why would anyone ever say that to a woman who is heavily contemplating whether or not to have another baby. I don’t need any discouragement because there is a good chance I would cut making babies off at one child. Also, every baby is different, but that absolutely does not mean my next baby is going to be the spawn of satan like everyone suggest. Maybe Travis and I are just very relaxed and happy around our child and she can sense that so she is happier.
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Actual Life at 30 vs. How I Imagined My Life Would Be at 30

When I was 20 I had this whole idea on how my life would play out. Marriage, babies, real job at a news station… stuff like that. I was under the impression by 25 or 26 and definitely by the rip old age of 30 I would feel like a mature adult.  Well, like most things in life, it just doesn’t go like you planned.

1. Marriage- At 20: I thought I needed to be married by 25. You go to college, meet someone, get married and have kids.  Being from a small farm town getting married young was just the way I thought it went. Well, I didn’t meet my prince charming at college and definitely didn’t meet prince charming back in my small hometown. At 25: I realized it absolutely does not matter what age you get married as long as you’re loving life. So I moved to the city and realized how fun and amazing life could be without being married. After a few years and tons of fun later  when I wasn’t looking I met my perfect man and life changed for the better. At 30: I’m married and at a great place in life.  I’m so thankful I never settled for anything less than the best.

2. Babies- At 20: I thought for sure I wanted 3 kids and wanted to have them by 28. Come to find out you don’t have to have babies by 25! My future husband and I were having so much fun traveling, chilling, and doing our own thing that I thanked my lucky stars every time I got my img_7514period.   At 25: I realized I was not ready to have the responsibility that a child took. Waiting to have a baby was perfect. We got to see so many places and have so many adventures that we never could have had with a baby. Getting drunk at the Hard Rock in Venice, over indulging till 3am in Rome with long-lost friends, tapas in Barcelona at all hours of the night  just couldn’t happen if we would have had a baby. At 30: Our baby is an amazing blessing, but now I’m thinking maybe only two kids. We have a different kind of fun now. A kind of fun that consist of being at our house by 9pm so Bradley can sleep and we can finally just chill.

3. A Real Job- Go figure…I’m a stat… one more person that went to college for A LOT of money, graduated, and doesn’t work in that field. At 20: I thought broadcast journalism was going to get me rich and on TV. hahaha… Blogging is as close to journalism as I’ve gotten. I did work for a bit at a new station and didn’t make enough to support myself so I decided it wasn’t my thing. At 25: I was still trying to figure out what I wanted to do in life. So I went back to school and spent a lot more money. (dumb) At 30: I blog. I am starting a home decor business. I create art.  I finally realized I should turn my passion into a career. I’m lucky enough to not have to rely on a paycheck so I can spend my time starting a business and taking care of Bradley.

4. I Blog- At 20: Never did I ever think I would be a blogger… one of those people who think what they have to say is soooo important that they randomly write it all down for people to absorb. At 25: I thought blogging was for self-important douchers, (and maybe it is).  At 30: I’m blogging. In fact, I have two different blogs. I blog a lot. One is for annoying mom stuff and the other is for interior design and creating stuff. (www.pearlaine.net)

5. Being a Stay-At-Home Mom- At 20: I never thought I would be a stay-at-home mom. I have always been a hard worker, wanted to make a lot of moneyimg_7602 and be successful. Now I’m not saying being a stay-at-home mom is not hard work, because it is. It’s not watching tv all day and chilling, it’s constant and not relaxing. When she naps I clean, do laundry and try to get some stories and creative stuff done. There is no relaxing.   At 30: I’m a stay-at-home mom trying to start a career from Germany. Stay-at-home moms work a lot, they just don’t get paid in money… and I like getting paid in money. When I refinish a piece of furniture or paint a really awesome picture or find the perfect throw pillows for my store I get this excitement that I can not explain. It’s this amazing sense of accomplishment and I LOVE that feeling. I NEED that feeling. At this point in life, being an expat, I am not in the position to go to a job everyday, but eventually I will. I love raising my daughter and know I do a better job than a babysitter, but I love that feeling of making money too. So maybe At 35: I will be a money-making machine and Bradley will be at school.

6. Living in GermanyAt 20: ummmm…. No. I never had any desire to live abroad because I love America. At 30: ummmm. Yes. I still limg_7118ove America, but wouldn’t change the experience of living in Germany and Sweden for anything. Living abroad really opened my eyes to so many different ways of life. Some I like and some I hate. Seeing and doing everything foreign countries have to offer will help me in every part of my life.

Hating Pregnancy? That’s Fine, You Can Still Be An Awesome Mom! Part I

Part One…

As I sit here blogging, watching Real Housewives and face masking (being pretty basic) I am wondering why every year as soon as I get to Germany my face goes to shit. I can not figure it out. I have Never had more than one small pimple at a time. Germany does something to me, it got me thinking about how awesome my skin and hair was during my pregnancy (even when I was in Germany). They rocked! My skin and hair were on point. That then got me thinking about how awful almost everything else about pregnancy was. I KNOW there are other women out there feeling the way I did. I’m here to tell you you are not alone in hating pregnancy, you are not a bad person and it absolutely does not mean you are going to be a bad mom.  We will start after conception, because conception was awesome.

Exhaustion. Before I had even missed my period I knew something was up. The ridiculous fatigue and absolutely drained tiredness I was experiencing was not normal. After two days of this, despite drinking 2-3 coffees and a red bull a day, I went and got the test. Well… I was right and I was preggy.  The first three months of my pregnancy were a blur. I slept 70 percent of the time. I would sleep till 10:30 or so, eat lunch when Travis got home from practice, take a nap with him, eat dinner, then go to sleep about 9:30. Needless to say I wasn’t real productive. I don’t know how women with toddlers or jobs can do it. Hats off to you because you women are amazing!

Itching. My skin itched like no other. Starting about week 2 to week 14 nothing helped the itching. I lotioned, I took oatmeal baths, I used coconut oil… Nothing worked.  I remember itching so bad one night I had to take my shirt off and asked my husband to scratch my back while I scratched my front… he quickly went from my back to my boobs (because they were huge) where I almost immediately started throwing a crying fit because I didn’t want him feeling my boobs and trying to have sex with me. I knew I was being ridiculous I just couldn’t stop myself.
Crying. That crying fit story directly relates with my next reason I didn’t love (hated) pregnancy…. the crying. I am not a crier. I don’t see a point in it. It doesn’t get things accomplished,  it doesn’t make anything better, and for me, personally, I don’t like to show an overwhelming amount of emotion. (I’m sure I’ll get shit from those emotional women, because I have before in the past, telling me, “Showing emotion is okay. It’s not embarrassing. You should grow up.”  To those women I say, “Don’t waste your time, I’m not changing.”) However, when I was pregnant you would have thought I was  Robin from Sister Wives. (Not the sharing my husband part of Robin. If some woman touches my husband shit is gonna go down.) The Robin that cries over EVERYTHING!! Happy, sad, stressed, sentimental, anxious… crying for it all. I was an emotional wreck and I hated it.

Having to Lie about Loving Pregnancy. For the first part of my pregnancy when people would ask me about how the pregnancy was going I’d always say, “It’s going good.” They would then usually follow-up with, “Don’t you just love it?” I don’t know why it took me so long to start telling the truth and stop feeling bad about not loving it. I hate lying. It makes me feel so two-faced and I hate two-faced people. (People seem to either love you or hate you when you are truthful. This blog is a perfect example, people either love it or hate it.) So when I finally started telling the truth about how I hated it I learned A LOT of women felt the same way I did and didn’t like being pregnant. It was a relief to know I wasn’t alone and wasn’t going to be a bad mom just because I hated being pregnant.

Getting Fat. The absolute worst part of pregnancy. Around 3 months my clothes stopped fitting and not in that look at my cute preggy belly kind of way, but in that freshman 15, can’t quite get my pants buttoned, jiggly fat, boobs popping out kind of way.  My thighs were starting to rub together and I was constantly pulling my pants from my crotch. Cellulite was forming on the back of my legs…It. Was. Horrifying. My husband would continuously  tell me, “Kasey, you are beautiful. You aren’t fat, you’re pregnant.” I would usually follow-up with a less than nice response about how he was f-ing lying and then I would cry..(Gosh, I hate the crying.) It would be easy to say you aren’t fat, you’re pregnant when you aren’t the one getting fat.
Doctor Telling Me I Was Gaining Too Much. Along with the gaining weight… when I got back to The States at 6.5 months pregnant I had gained 18 pounds and my doctor told me I needed to start watching my weight because I didn’t want to gain too much. It would be unhealthy. So then not only was I sad about the cellulite, but I was also stressed and sad about needing to stop eating so much. I wasn’t eating ridiculously unhealthy, I was eating more pasta then usual, but not shoving myself with ice cream and candy. (Even pregnant I didn’t care for either that much.) I never had any cravings, so I can’t imagine what the doctor would have said if I was actually eating like your typical pregnant women.  I definitely would have weighed way more than I did.
Vampire Nose. Another shitty part of being pregnant is having what I call the vampire nose. I now know how Edward Cullen feels everyday of his vamp life. Being able to smell everything sucks. I could tell if my husband left the trash can lid open in the kitchen from the living room two rooms away. Me being the emotional asshole that I was would take it personal, usually get mad, and surprise surprise… cry.
Anxiety. I have always been one to hate large crowds and feel uncomfortable in them. I always feel like someone wants to shank me and now they also want to steal my baby. I’m always stressfully aware of my surroundings. I clearly have anxiety about some stuff, but during pregnancy I had anxiety about everything. Flying all of a sudden sent me into a can’t breathe, I’m going to die panic attack. At certain points leaving the house would give me anxiety… I don’t know what I was anxious about, but I knew I was… (Probably the impending pain and misery of giving birth.)
No patience. My patience for stupidity and people being ignorant has never been high. (For example,  some twit commented on one of my post trying to make me feel bad that I bought and suggested Doctor Brown’s bottles. She then bitched at me for telling the truth about Enfamil and Similac formulas in that they aren’t as good as they claim to be. Her reasoning for commenting was that she was so disgusted with my stupidity because ((I imagine her voice is very whiny, high-pitched and life is unfair)) “Not everyone can afford those brands so why would you ever shame women that can’t afford your fancy brands?”  I personally feel like her misdirected anger and the use of the word ‘shame’ regarding my post is stupidity. Because I NOW have a little patience I chose not to tell her how stupid and wrong I knew she was, but she is a perfect example of someone I would have completely snapped on while pregnant.)  While I was pregnant I was a complete snap show. I had no patience for anything. Now I had my days of being my sweet, normal self and my husband will say that I wasn’t that bad, but I felt like I was constantly snapping and angry. When everyone is constantly giving you unwanted opinions and advice it really test your patience.  I have my close friends and family that I liked to talk to about baby stuff, but it was those random people who barely knew me and think they had some sort of right to give me their opinion and tell me a horror stories because they have been through it that really got to me fired up. (I was also confused why advice and opinions always came with a complete horror story. Never did they come with a lovely, chill story. Note to anyone that reads this DON’T TELL PREGNANT WOMEN A BAD OR SCARY STORY. They are already scared enough. It’s a dick head thing to do.)
Part II coming soon! Find out more on the not so wonderful happenings during the miracle of pregnancy
**…Even after all the misery of being pregnant there is one thing makes me seriously consider doing it again some day and that is our amazing daughter. Call me crazy. (I’ve already gotten those sarcastic, asshole comments about how they hope ‘I’ve never have to go through that terrible thing called pregnancy again’ so anyone thinking about commenting can save it.)  My husband and I made an amazing, smart, cute, funny kid and the world would be blessed for another one of ours.