Annoying Shit People Say To New Moms (Me.)

Can you even remember life with out a baby? Why yes I can actually. I love her, but I vividly remember the days of going to the store at the drop of a hat and not having to pack two bottles, a pouch of food, puffs and toys. I do remember the days of being hung over and being able to sleep on the couch all f-ing day long. I do remember being able to shower or write or draw whenever I wanted to and not have to wait till she napped. I do remember being able to use my phone without her screaming at me to give it to her. I love my baby, but yes I can remember life without a baby so that is a dumb question.

You can’t even remember the pain now, can you? It has been a year and a half and yes I can still remember the pain. I remember it quite well. It was worth it, but I still remember the agonizing contractions, the needles going into my body, the headache from the spinal fluid leak. I remember enough that I dread doing it again. I do remember… so that is another dumb question.

She looks just like her dad.. Oh, does she? That’s just what a mom that has carried a baby for 38weeks and gone through hours and hours of pain and weeks and weeks of being pregnant wants to hear. I love my husband more than anyone in the entire world, but I literally cringe every time someone says, “Now, I just see Travis” or “She looks just like her dad.” Well she is a girl, so I hope not just like her dad…who is a full man, not Bruce Jenner, and there are parts of me in her so stop being an asshole.
Do you breastfeed? It is really bizarre to me how everyone ask me this… not just women, but men ask me too. It’s just seems weird to me that people so openly talk about something sucking on my breast. What if I was one of those women that can’t breastfeed and then bawl like their baby every time someone brings up breastfeeding. Shit could get really awkward. It seems like a pretty controversial subject right now, like religion or politics and while I love to talk about both of those subjects in detail, I don’t want to talk about my boobs… unless you are telling me how good they look.
When are you going to have more kids? I was legit getting this question 2 months after having Bradley. I was thinking, ‘Fool, I just had a baby and I’m still sleep deprived and hating almost everything…including you so get out of my face.’ The answer is ‘No, I’m not thinking about having more kids at this time.’  I am at the weird point in life where I don’t want to be having kids after the age 31 and I don’t want Bradley to be more than two years older than her sibling, but I do not want to get pregnant now. The clock is ticking though. I hate that f-ing clock.
“Breastfeeding is so much healthier for your little one.” Thanks, but I never asked you and that is subjective. I’m disgusted by the amount of women that think I give a shit about their feelings on breastfeeding. The way I look at it is if I’m happy and feeling good then I can be a better mother. So really for us bottle feeding is healthier, because I am happier doing that and happy Mom means better mom. Bradley has had one cold and that was at 11 months old. She is happy, healthy, bottle fed baby.
“Just wait till your next one.” Possibly the most annoying statement I have ever heard. Bradley is an excellent baby. We could not have asked for a happier, more outgoing, good sleeping baby. Everyone that knows us as a family knows how easy Bradley is to parent, and when they find out how easy she is they usually will say at some point, “Just wait till your next one.” Why would anyone ever say that to a woman who is heavily contemplating whether or not to have another baby. I don’t need any discouragement because there is a good chance I would cut making babies off at one child. Also, every baby is different, but that absolutely does not mean my next baby is going to be the spawn of satan like everyone suggest. Maybe Travis and I are just very relaxed and happy around our child and she can sense that so she is happier.

Hating Pregnancy? It Doesn’t Make You a Bad Person or Bad Mom Part II

Part Two…
Pregnancy Mask. This bitch of a problem is still plaguing me. Before getting pregnant I had cute freckles. During pregnancy those cute freckles grew together to make large dark marks on my face that resembled a world map. They were and are very hard to cover up. The worst part about this mask, it was also on my upper lip giving me the appearance of a mustache. It was horrible and super embarrassing when anyone suggested waxing, (like I was a complete idiot and hadn’t thought of all the possible solutions available to not look like a man.)  After giving birth they naturally lightened up on their own and the mustache disappeared, but I still have to use a heavy concealer to cover up what’s left. It seems the only thing to truly  get rid of them is a $3,500 laser treatment. I wish I had that kind of money. (Maybe if I would have bought cheaper bottles and shitty formula like suggested to me I would have extra money just waiting to be spent… too late now.)
 
 Do’s and Don’ts of Pregnancy. This part was hard.  Everyone thinks they know best and a lot of people like to act like you don’t know whats best for you or your baby. The list of do’s and don’ts for pregnant women is insane. Being an expat makes it even harder. German’s have their way of doing things and American’s have theirs. I was keeping in mind the American no’s and the German no’s (German doctor says I can sauna, American doctor says absolutely not. So much confusion).  Quite a few people, one in particular, couldn’t fathom that I stopped all medication while pregnant. She thought it was pretty important to inform me I was wrong and uneducated, (you should know that this individual DOES NOT know me, she didn’t know where I was from or my medical history. You should also know that she wasn’t a doctor.)  I know in America taking certain medications is technically okay for a fetus, but my German doctor said, “No medicines. No medicine is good for a fetus.” He was very adamant about it. So, like many other women, I took my doctor’s advice. (Just to be clear I never once said taking medicine while pregnant was shameful or makes you a terrible mother, which was why I was so confused by the amount of people who jumped all over me for saying I stopped my medicines while pregnant and that one of the reason I didn’t want to breastfeed was so I could take my medicines again. By the reactions I got you’d have thought I said I was snorting cocaine while pregnant instead of saying I was trying to do what I thought was best for my baby by not taking prescription pills.) My first pregnancy was mostly in a non-american culture, so the judgement I was getting and the people telling me I was uneducated and wrong based on their culture (and what their doctors and internet sites said) was and is fucking insane to me. I learned in 7th grade history that you can’t judge a person based on your culture. You can’t judge a pregnant German woman coming out of a sauna because your culture said that it is a big no-no.
Heart Burn. Towards the end of my pregnancy I was eating antacids by the bottle. I couldn’t eat or drink anything without debilitating acid reflex. I was amazed how I could still be gaining so much weight even though I could hardly eat. Zantac was my new bestie. It helped more than the antacids, but it still didn’t fix my misery. Nothing did except pushing that little thing out.
Being out of Breath and the Sweating. I couldn’t walk up the stairs without running out of breath and sweating, I couldn’t tie my shoes, I couldn’t bend over without a head rush and when I would try to bend over I couldn’t breathe. I was sweating all the time, for this reason I barely went outside all summer. (Our electric bill that summer was ridiculous.)
Saying we are Pregnant. All the shit that I have previously mentioned (and much more) that a woman has to go through while being pregnant is why I hate when men say we are pregnant. I’m pregnant… just me. I don’t say we signed a new contract I say, “Travis signed a new contract.” Just like we aren’t pregnant, I’m pregnant. I’m going through the changes, the pain, the sickness… we aren’t.
The Mom Shaming. I hate this word/idea… “Mom Shaming” (about as much as I hate when adults use the word Bullying to describe someone telling them the truth about themselves.) Let’s just be upfront about what “Mom Shaming” really is… It’s people being nosey, judgy assholes and getting involved where they shouldn’t be.  People love getting involved in pregnant women or new moms business. If someone tries to “Mom Shame” me I will be upfront with them and let them know that they are sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong and that they need to back off. I won’t go cry about how someone tried to hurt my feelings and that they were “Mom Shaming” me, I’ll say what they really are, which is a dick. Another problem with the invention of this word (and everyone being so freaking sensitive these days) is that I can not state that I don’t like breastfeeding without being a “Mom Shamer”. No one can state anything without being a “Mom Shamer”. If someone says that they think everyone should breastfeed then all of a sudden they are “Mom Shaming” formula feeding moms. This word makes it impossible for someone to have an opinion without getting ragged on and made out to be an asshole. Almost every negative comment I’ve gotten on any of my post have had the word “Mom Shaming” in them because these days no one can have an opinoin or personal preference without being a “Mom Shamer”. It is ridiculous. No matter what, there will always be someone who isn’t going to agree with what you do while pregnant (or after you have your baby) and they will tell you how you are wrong. I guess it just comes with the territory.
You have the ability to be good mom even if you hated being pregnant.  With all the shit that comes along with being pregnant having Bradley and seeing everyday how amazing she is makes me strongly consider doing it again. It was more than worth it.

The Shit They Don’t Tell You About Being A Mom

Shit They Don’t Tell You
  • Being pregnant sucks, you can hate it and that’s okay. Online you see one Instagram photo after another of baby bumps and women captioning them with an inspirational quote or something about what a miracle it is or how amazing this process is. Don’t get me wrong it is a miracle, the way a body can make a human is an absolute miracle, but it doesn’t mean you have to enjoy it. NOT EVERYONE DOES and you don’t have to feel bad for not enjoying it.
    • The changes in your body suck. Your nipples get huge and gross looking. The veins on your boobs look like the freaking map of Narnia. My thighs started touching together when I walked, so I was constantly pulling my shorts or pants from my crotch. My boobs were the size of honeydew melons (Gross). I was sooooo tired. Not all women get the complete exhaustion I experienced, but I was miserable tired (especially the first trimester.) I got almost nothing done in 40 weeks (expect for making a baby) I became a huge crybaby/crazy/emotional wreck. My skin was sensitive and itchy. My hair hurt to brush because apparently I was all of the sudden tender headed.
  • The absolute WORST part about all the body changes was my sex drive was ZERO. Contrary from what my husband thought and popular belief not all women are horn dogs when they are pregnant. The few times we did have sex it was because I felt so bad for my husband. I mean, if he was telling me ‘No’ all the time I’d be freaking losing it. Sex is one of the best things about a relationship so you can imagine I was miserable. Luckily, I have the most amazing husband who was always very understanding, supportive, loving and never made me feel bad about not wanting to do it.
  • This one was a really hard one for me and for the first month of her life I felt absolutely horrible, but sometimes you don’t immediately fall deeply, madly, my world just stopped, head over heels in love with your child. Now that I am head over heels, deeply, madly, I legit could eat you in love with her I realize that it was okay to feel the way I did. However, I have to admit I was mildly horrified I didn’t have the feelings that so many moms say they have… those, ‘the second I knew I was pregnant my world seemed complete’ or ‘the second I had you everything else didn’t matter’ feelings.  Ya… I didn’t get those feelings. I am jealous of the women who do, but after pushing for 3 hours and being in labor for 21 all I wanted to do was sleep. The next five days were a complete blur. A stressful, surreal blur due to the epidural headache and the muscle relaxers I was on. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without my husband.
  • You can never really comprehend what going without a full nights sleep for two months in a row can really do to you. You can’t explain it to someone who hasn’t had a kid and they can’t even imagine what its like. I felt like a zombie. A mad, sad, delusional zombie. (No, it wasn’t postpartum it was strictly lack of sleep. I can be a real crazy when I am tired) My husband had to leave for training camp five days after Bradley was born so it was all me getting up every two to three hours a night. I wasn’t looking at my new-born as a little bundle of joy. (All she did was eat and sleep) I was looking at her as the child that requires all of my energy and is completely draining the life out of me. Once she started sleeping 7 hours a night at about two and a half months old everything changed. I was back to being my normal, mostly good mood self and could really enjoy the new life I brought into the world. (Thank God and special shout out for my mom who would take her one or two nights a week and let me sleep for a good 12 hours and my dad who would watch her while I napped or got errands done.) It really is crazy how your priorities and wants in life change once you have a baby. Sleep is 20x more important and wanted than going out for a night on the town.
  • Breastfeeding sucks. I hated it. I did it for a few days and then quit. It made me feel like an animal… like a cow at the local 4H show. So many people look at me like I’m a freaking crazy person when I say I think breastfeeding is gross. And I get a lot of people who get weirdly offended when I say I don’t like it. (Like why the fuck would anyone get offended because I don’t like breastfeeding?) Do all moms clean their nipples before they let their little one suck away? My boobs sweat, a lot. So that could be unsanitary. It’s okay if you don’t want to breastfeed and don’t like it. YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO IT! No matter what the doctors, nurses or mom shamers say. I can’t even get started on this “free the nipple” shit I’m seeing everywhere or the people who get mad at me because I don’t want to see boobs flopped out in public… It’s weird… You don’t see dicks flopped out with the heads covered like it is okay. You wanna breastfeed? Go for it! I’m not gonna get mad at you for doing it, so don’t get snippy with me for not doing. It’s a personal choice… It’s cheaper to breastfeed so that’s great. (I’ll get to breastfeeding in another post. There is just too much to talk about) 
    • Side note: Do your research on formula. Doctors never tell you about what is good in formula and what isn’t, doctors don’t inform you on anything about bottle feeding which is bullshit. I didn’t even realize I was suppose to boil the water before feeding it to her. No one told me and I was clueless about all things baby. I had to do hours of research about getting the best formula. America doesn’t have much to choose from, but Europe is stocked with healthy, good for your baby formula. (Stay tuned for more info in another blog)
I want to make it clear that Bradley is the most amazing little girl. Half the day I wander around amazed that I could make the cutest little girl in the world. She is a complete blessing and coolest thing I have ever made…. and I make a lot of cool stuff.